Maybe if i write about you i'll get you off my mind.

I've been having dreams about you. where you've given up trying to stay away from me. and we're "together" in a sense. and i won't let you get too far from me without me checking up on you. and where i'm minding my own business and i think about you, that maybe you'd be around and you end up being wherever we are and i bump into you nonstop. it's been happening a lot. lately.
and i'll be in class and someone will say something that'll remind me of you. or when Mel talks about Diego, she and him remind me of me and you. how they are and what they talk about and how she gets upset with him and why. everytime i think about Diego and Mel it reminds me of you. i feel like her situation with him is a different version of us. different circumstances, different happenings, different people, same feelings. similar outcomes. similar bull. it all reminds me of you. kids from private schools remind me of you. i see your stupid school sticker on the back of every other car now. new people i meet went there, know your friends. people on facebook that added me in our early days. and some in our not so early days. i wear your shirt to bed. it's in my sleep clothes. i wear it so much it's got holes already.
trevor worked with me on saturday night, listening to the texas tech game, talking to me about homecoming. told me y'alls homecoming is this friday. i almost cried. almost. i definitely felt like it. it seems like it's only been a couple months since homecoming last year. one of the few games we won last year... too bad the football team blows. where i bought this shirt. i miss the games. i miss the football games. i miss the rugby games. i miss homecoming. and prom. i miss going to your house and watching the food network all day and talking about how much we want to eat everything theyre making. i miss Chip. i miss playing with Chip and chasing him around in your backyard, and throwing his bone around, and stratching his ears and singing with him. and letting him outside. and the way he'd act when he saw it was me parked outside your house. and how he'd jump on me when i got up to him. and i miss how you hugged me when it had been more than three days since i'd seen you last. i miss how it was so easy to tell how you felt. and how you'd give me such a hard time about everything. and how we'd play gin rummy with the cards you found in your coffee table. and that your mom was embarrassed when she found out they were looney toon cards. and how your mom would be really happy when she saw me, and was really interested in how i was, and how my mom was. how easy it was to talk to your family. and how you'd immediately try to get us out of the house when they got home from work. and how you always had PTI, pardon this interruption, on when i'd come by after school. your must see sports tv shows. and all they talked about was a-rod.
and how we never knew what to do. so we'd sit in your car for hours just trying to figure out what to do and evetually just gave up and went home. and how you didn't make going to the movies weird. and you're really bad jokes. and how Catherine could tell how we felt about eachother just by how we acted around eachother, even after we hadn't been together for a while. how you told me up and down and back and forth how i wasn't ruining your life when i knew i was. how you tolerated every bit of me for as long as you did. and how you knew i was fucking everything up for you and your friends told you how much of a bitch i was and you didnt listen to them, until now. and how you came back from Alaska after not talking to me all summer and telling me that you realized that every story you'd told the kids up there was about us and how they all we're good, all good memories of us, and that you realized that you wanted to talk to me, and see me again, and be my friend. that you were sorry you'd stopped talking to me before, and that you understood why i was upset, that i should be upset.
i told you it would change. i knew that after school started it would change. you would be talking to your friends again and they'd get you thinking about how much i screw your life up. and you'd stop talking to me again. the one night i had you back was really nice. it was. it was a really good day for me.
i miss your friends. i miss Charles Romero. i miss Charlie so much... he's the only kid who doesn't hate me at all. i miss his smile, he has the cutest goddamn smile ever. and he's so nice. they don't make enough people like Charles Romero. seriously. i can honestly say he's one of the best people i've ever met in my whole life. i miss Dylan Sonnier. i miss Ryan, even though he hates my guts, and never really liked me. i miss your friends accepting me. i miss your school, where it is, what it looks like, walking around it. driving up to it. i miss the drive up to your stupid school. i miss your house. i miss your car. i miss the smell of your car. and the way you smelled. yeah, you had a distinct smell. i miss you visiting me at work, and keeping me company, well, distracting me, while i was on the stand, and visiting jenny and ben while we were working. and you going out of your way to see me, and not making up excuses to why you can't. and you going out of your way to spend time with me instead of having to lie to your friends, tell them youre alone and agree to go somewhere with them and have to drop me off at my grandmas house, once again. i miss laying in your lap. and playing with your stupid hair. and pinching you when you deserved it. and making fun of your facial hair. and how soft most of the shirts you wore to school were. and how you wore the same pair of shoes foreverrr. and your stupid little phrases that i catch myself saying all the time. "half cup." "legit." "this guy." "beast." "calm down, calm down." "sir/madam."
i hate you. i hate that you gave all this up.
i hate that i can send you songs and you can tell me how its breaking your balls and you still refuse to talk to me. i hate that you sent me "Better as a Memory" by Kenny Chesney.
i hate that i tell you you just threw out my best friend in the whole damn world and you apologize, come back for a day, and do it again. i hate that you can text me when you see me at a texans game, be with Charlie, and act like nothings ever happened between us. i hate that it doesnt bother you. i hate that i can ask your for Charlies number and you say suree, nooo problemo. and be okay with just saying that. i hate that this isn't bothering you. i hate that i'm dreaming about this and you're at home, fine and dandy, without a care in the world. i hate you.

with my head in the clouds but my feet on the ground.

I'm having a really weird day. In some ways it's been really good, and some it's been pretty bad.

Let's start with the good.
First of all, i got to look at the cutest kid in the entire world for about two hours of my life. probably the most enjoyed two hours of my life so far this week. he's adorable... i can't even describe how adorable he is. it's not even comprehensible. and it's really weird for me because usually i'm nervous around guys i like, and i'm completely relaxed around him. it's crazy. and he's really really easy to talk to. like he can keep a conversation going, and he's good at starting it too. i feel like a fifth grader.
this starts something else, Melanie Aleman, you've made my college life sooo much better. i seriously don't know what i'd do without you. i feel like a whole new person, not completely, just my mood is totally different now.
i'm happy. and i get really giddy a lot, and i have someone to oogle boys with now. i love it. i've missed it throughout high school.
Klein Kubiak was an actual human being today. sat in front of me and when he passed the role sheet back to me he made suree i got it, i almost dropped it, which was cute. he payed attention in class a little and wrote some stuff down. annnd the girl next to him and he talked a little. hehehe. his voice. oh man. ohman.
i might be able to listen to Kirbys voice all day long. it's deep. and cute. and his eyes. and his face. and his hair. and his body. i'm gonna die. hold on.
oh man.
okay. wow he's cute. and sooo not in a relationship like his facebook says haha.
maybe that makes it easier to talk to him, why he's so easy to talk to in the first place. we'll see. it's probably better this way anyway.

I'm realizing i'm boy crazy.

When i was in college station, Travis came to Jameses dorm.
wanted to see me.
I missed him so much, it had been so long....
he was drunk though. i can't believe he drove. or made it.
he was spilling his heart to me. at least i know i didn't make all these feelings up. i actually felt something. and it wasn't fake, or psychological, he felt it too. i think that over everything helps the whole situation. everything he said to me was exactly what i was feeling, it was crazy. like he could read my mind...
"i mean, i've been trying to get over you, i've had the same girlfriend for over a year. i mean, i love her, but it's not the same. nothing feels the same."
over and over again, trying to tell me what he hasn't been able to. kept giving me kisses on the cheek when i'd go to hug him goodbye. yeah. i know...
you were the love of my life. i'll always have the biggest weakness for you, kid. <3

John Thomas Tomaini.
you are a dumbass. and i'm gonna freaking miss you. i miss you already. "this is the last time your gonna see me, ever." why'd he say that. i was fine until then. i can't talk about this.

i can't talk anymore.
goodnight world. <3